New Friends. Old Feelings.

I have a new group of Mum friends since having Harriet, They are lovely, really lovely.

Here comes the but...

But they are all into this 'baby signing'. "Teach your baby to communicate before they can talk", "reduce frustration and therefore tantrums" etc etc.

Now. I am all for signing. Obviously. I will vouch for it's benefits. I agree it reduces tantrums.

But my kids are deaf. They have to learn sign. I have to learn sign. We don't have any other way to communicate. And you know what? I am bitter about that. And I don't think I realised quite how bitter.

I have talked before about jealousy. It's back. Actually I don't think it ever went away. But it's just been given a new lease of life along with my daughters.

I sit around talking to all these new Mums about their beautiful, perfect babies and all I find myself thinking is 'but mine is deaf'.

I feel so much guilt.

I thought it would be different if it happened again, easier somehow. But it is exactly the same. I feel so responsible. So guilty. And so, so, so bitter.

So please excuse me if I don't want to sit around chatting about baby sign. Or how your baby has just started gurgling. Or how at 10 weeks you can already have a conversation with her.

Because I don't have any of those things.

I have a deaf baby.

And I will never, ever forgive myself.