Wednesday, 11 July 2012

What not to say

I have written a post like this before, when Will was little and people used to drive me crazy with their well meaning advice or sympathy. I now have two deaf children and people aren't any less well meaning, or any less annoying. I know they are trying to help but please, please, don't say these things to me...

  • "I know if I had a choice between a child that was blind or a child that was deaf I would choose deaf". - People are STILL saying this!!! You see, the thing is, I didn't get a choice. If I had a freaking choice I would have chosen a kid with no disabilities at all. It's not the best of bad situation. It's just a bad situation. 
  • "At least she is a girl"
    - Really? You think that makes it better? You think that I am less upset about her hearing loss because I can put her in frilly dresses? In reality it makes it harder because I worry about completely different things for her than I do for Will. It's a difficult world for women and having big magnets stuck to the side of her head isn't going to make it any easier for her.
  • "Now you've got one of each at least you don't have to have any more"
    - I know I resigned a few weeks ago but I have since changed my mind. I want more. I don't know how many or if we will actually have more but I have definitely decided to stop not wanting more. Either way it really is none of anyone else's business whether we have more kids or not. And the only thing worse than feeling like I can't have more because they are deaf is knowing that you feel that way too. 
  • "Awwww, that's a shame"
    It is a shame, in fact it is a freaking disaster. But please don't say it in that sympathetic tone with your head cocked to the side and that sadness in your eyes. My heart is broken so I need you to at least pretend everything is OK just to help me get through the day.

    To be honest there is probably very little you can say so perhaps just don't ask about their hearing. Ask how much they weigh, what they enjoy doing, what they think of one another. Ask me how I am. Ask me if I would like a cup of tea or a gin and tonic. Don't ask me about their hearing and, this is the key, do not try and make it better. You can't and it just pisses me off. 

No comments:

Post a Comment