How did that happen?

Last night I said to Shaun, 'is the back door locked?' and then I suddenly had this flash of realisation, 'Fuck, I have a back door' 'Far out, I have a whole bloody house, an entire building that I OWN with my fiance that we are going to raise our kids (plural!) in'. 'Fuck, I have a kid and another on the way'. Do you find that being a grown up has all of a sudden jumped up on you, as if out of nowhere? Because I don't know how I went from this...

 

To this....

s

 

In what feels like a blink of an eye.

A lot of the Mummy blogs I read are American because I was introduced to this blogging world by Jamie from Chosen Chaos. Now bearing in mind out of my closest pre-mum girlfriends, only about 10% of them have any kids at all, let alone more than one; I always gasp when reading a blog of a mum-of-two talking about what she got for her 27th birthday. TWO kids? At 27? How early do these Americans start popping them out?! Because they all seem really young, yet really grown up, and together and funny. Then I realise that I am only 28. And I have a 16 month old. And I am pregnant. I am not that far behind (apart from maybe the together bit!).

And I don't know how that happened.

But I am bloody glad it did.

I mean, seriously?!

I am going to start a 'series' (get me!) about things that happen that make me think 'I meeeeaaaan, seriously?!'

I mean, seriously?! Thought 1.

Our Government are trying to save money because of the mass of debt they have managed to build up. Fair enough but someone should probably tell them about St Ann's Hospital in North London.

I receive a letter in the post telling me William is due for a revue appointment with a number to call. I call said number and explain the letter to the receptionist.
She says: 'I'll send you an appointment in the post'
Me: 'Can you tell me when it is for?'
Her: 'No, you'll receive a letter in the post'
Me: 'And if I can't make that appointment?'
Her: 'Call back and we'll send you another appointment'
Me: 'Right'
Me (in my head): thatisthemoststupidstystemihaveeverheardofwhatareyouanidiothowdoesthatevenmakesenseyouarewastingsomuchofmyprecioustimeandyou'veruinedmydaybymakingmemad

So, just so you are clear, the NHS, in their job culling, hospital closing down, cost cutting ways have approved a system where
a) a letter is sent out. COSTS - paper, ink, energy from PC, energy from printer, labour costs, postage costs
b) I call them. COSTS - my phone bill
c) another letter is sent out COSTS - paper, ink, energy from PC, energy from printer, labour costs, postage costs
d) I probably can't make that appointment what with all the other appointments, speech therapy, sign language lessons, teacher of the deaf lessons, playgroups, swimming etc, so I make another call COSTS - my phone bill
e) yet another letter is sent out. COSTS - paper, ink, energy from PC, energy from printer, labour costs, postage costs

I mean, seriously?

Why not call me, offer an appointment and we can discuss and conclude right then and there? Fools.

A corner turned

I talked a while ago about how William has been refusing to wear his hearing aids. I think he started pulling them out about 2 months ago and we haven't had them in for longer than about 3 seconds at a time since. We tried everything; being nice about it, being mean about it, being strict about it, bribery, treats, threats. Ev-ery-thing. And it always ended up in William crying and more often than not ended up in me losing my temper and crying and sometimes Shaun doing one or other or both of these too. So we gave up for a little while. Tried occasionally but more or less resigned ourselves to this period of 'self expression' and concentrated on signing (which has come along 3-fold over the summer so no time wasted).

And then today. Today was the day it all changed. Today Will wore his aids for 3 hours this morning and 4 hours this afternoon. Sure, he pulled them out every now and then but we put them back in and he continued about his business. No-one has cried. No-one has lost their temper. It's day one so I am anxious and patient and excited and nervous and very very pleased that even if tomorrow doesn't bring the same, today did. It feels like we have turned a corner.  

But the overwhelming emotion I have felt today is, surprisingly, sad. And it's taken me a while to figure out quite why. It started as soon as Will walked into the kitchen with his hearing aids in so that should have been my first clue. I am happy he is wearing them, of course. I am happy because he can now access more sound and speech. I am happy because he is no longer fighting us about it. I am happy because he is happy. But I just feel so so so sad that he has to wear hearing aids at all. I just can't shake it.

When we were in Cornwall for a week, we stayed with two other families. He didn't wear his aids and at no point did we tell any of them about Wills hearing impairment.

We spent this past weekend away with some old friends and some new ones. No hearing aids and no-one talked about his hearing.

When we were out today and he had his hearing aids in, I could see people looking at them and all I could think was 'what are they thinking about me?'.

I have talked to you before about the heavy weight of shame I carry around with me and I guess what I am trying to say now is I thought it might have moved on, lessened somewhat. Since writing this blog, I have felt a huge weight lifted from me. Talking, writing, processing has helped me sleep better at night and laugh more during the day. I thought I was feeling better.

But turns out, it wasn't the blog at all. It was just the lack of that brutal physical reminder that is the actual hearing aids. They were gone and so was my guilt. And now they are back and although I am very, very happy. I am also, once again, utterly distraught.

This guilt business is going to be harder to shift than I thought.

How to be a WOMAN

If you haven't read 'How to be a woman' by Caitlin Moran, then you should. She manages to perfectly articulate my feelings on motherhood as well as a number of other feminist issues. I have spent my whole time reading it going 'Ha ha, sooooo funny. But seriously. Nail. On. Head'.

Anyway, it has got me thinking a little deeper about the parts of being a woman I am uncomfortable with and I wanted to share them with you.

• This housewife business.

We recently got a cleaner. O M G the guilt I feel. We didn't have a cleaner when I was growing up. My Mum worked full time, raised two kids, did EVERYTHING for my Dad (we are talking 1920s style breakfast on table, packed lunch made, dinner ready upon homecoming) and still managed to keep our house immaculate. And NEVER complained. So when Shaun and I both worked full time and he wanted a cleaner I said 'No, my Mum never had a cleaner'. And when we had Will I said 'No, my Mum worked and never had a cleaner'. And then I fell pregnant again and was pretty sure no-one had ever, ever been as tired as I felt. So we got a cleaner. Once a week she comes and makes my house immaculate for me. Cleaner than it ever was when it was my job! And it has changed my world. I am on top of the laundry for the first time since Will came along. I have more time to play with him and I enjoy that time because I am not thinking about what I could be doing instead. I nap when he naps and so the fetus is feeling the benefit too.

But jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzz I hate myself for it. My sister said 'do you really need a cleaner if you don't work?'. Now she doesn't have children so she doesn't understand how much work not working is. But I can't help but feel she has a point. I mean, I am at home all day. How can I possibly not have the time to clean?

• This marriage business

Now as you probably know from my smug post, Shaun and I are engaged. Betrothed. To be married. Why are you not married already? I hear you cry. Well, we wanted children. Marriage was just a box that people ticked; we didn't really see the point and we were keen to start trying for our family just in case it took a while. We were very lucky and it didn't so here we are with a 15 month old and a baby on the way.
Now, I always loved the idea of a wedding. Being the centre of attention. Wearing the beautiful dress. Having the stunning cake. Dancing the night away, high on pure love. But the marriage part of it I didn't get. A piece of paper (an expensive one at that). A religious ceremony (we don't believe in God). A commitment (we have A CHILD, if he isn't committed to me already then we are in trouble). Proving to other people or our children that we are committed (In the nicest possible way, I have NOTHING to prove to any of you).

But then I had Will. And I wanted the marriage part of it. And then we found out he was partially deaf. And I needed that extra something from Shaun. As any parent will tell you, the first few months of your first new born baby's life puts your relationship through the biggest challenges. I don't know if having a disabled child is any harder than a normal one but I can tell you that those first few months both brought Shaun and I together and pushed us apart in ways I didn't think possible. Then we lost our second pregnancy in a miscarriage. In the midst of the physical pain and the emotional anguish, all I could think was 'I want to get married, I need to know Shaun will love me through this'.

Now this annoys me. Because my rational head is screaming 'but there is NO POINT. You KNOW he loves you. You KNOW he wants to be together forever. You KNOW getting married won't change that' but my stupid emotional head is crying back 'But I waaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnt toooooooooooo'.

Also, a big old piece of beef I have with the marriage thing, is

• This proposal business

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my diamond ring. And I LOVE regaling the story of how Shaun proposed on the beach, sun shining, down on one knee, ra ra ra. What gets me is that it was HIS choice. Before we had children I asked him to marry me. I'm still not sure if I was serious or not, I just wanted to see what he would say. He said no, I want to propose. It was really important for him to propose and to do it right which I get but I don't get why? Why has he been made to feel (by society, culture, tradition...) that it is his role to ask me. He knows I wanted to get married, he knows I know he wants to get married. So why couldn't we just decide to get married? Why does he have the POWER? Why, as a woman, did I just have to wait? 

I have no answers, just more questions.

What do you think about it all? Are you comfortable with your role as a woman, whatever that may be?

Masculinity

Ever since Will was born and looked like, well like a prune, people have told me how masculine he is. How boy-like his features, face, body is. I never really got what they meant but always smiled sweetly and said thank you. I mean, he is a boy so that is a compliment right?

I have always been a big fan of the 'nurture versus nature' argument because it really is so inconclusive and circular and fascinating.  But I think I always thought that nurture had the edge. I believed that people brought up well, in good homes, by good people setting good examples turn out to be good people.  I still believe that (and love how eloquently dweej puts it here) but since having Will I have seen what a powerful force nature is. It has blown me away just how much of a boy William is. It is in his blood like I would never have believed possible. (beautifully illustrated here).

I don't work so from the day he popped out, Will has been with me and just me. We go to playgroup sometimes, he sees other kids occasionally and obviously Daddy at the weekends but I am pretty much his world.

I am a girl. Obviously. I am not especially girly but I hate sport. Passionately. I am terrible at it so that might be why or perhaps I am terrible because I hate it. I am past wondering or caring. All I know is that if a ball is heading in my direction I turn and  run in the other direction. And more often than not cry. I hate them that much.

So it baffles me that all Will wants to do ALL day, EVERY day, is play with balls. Kick balls, throw balls, catch balls, hit balls.

He loves steering wheels, cars, tractors, fighting, thrashing, running and have I mentioned balls? The kid is OBSESSED.

It goes against my nature to encourage all of these things but I do because they make him so happy. I am nurturing his nature.

I always wanted a boy but I had no idea just how much of a boy I would get. Every day he surprises me and amazes me with his masculinity. I don't think that the people that told me how much of a boy he looked like had any idea how right they were going to be. I certainly didn't. And I just hope that if this next one turns out to be another boy my nurturing skills fully take over my nature. Proving that maybe nurture is more powerful after all.

And so the circle continues...

Smug-o

So you will probably have read about the year that we had that was, well let's be honest, a little taste of Hell. The last life-changing-in-a-negative-way event was the miscarriage in February. Six months on I would like to tell you what has happened to us since...

May 13th 2011 - We moved into our new house. Our first home that we own, as a couple, as a family. It's beautiful. Newly renovated and a perfect space for Will.

June 21st 2011 - a positive pregnancy test!

August 12th 2011 - after a long few weeks of nausea, exhaustion, a couple of scares and 3 scans later our fetus is 12 weeks along and looking healthy! Fingers crossed on or around March 4th 2012 our wee Will will become a big brother

August 17th 2011 - Shaun proposed! On a beautiful beach in Cornwall with a stunning ring. We are getting married!!!!

Today, right now, I literally could not be happier.

Now I am sure that anyone who, in the space of 3 months, buys a home, gets successfully pregnant and then gets engaged is over the moon but I am more than that. I am smug. I am that person that thinks their life is just the frigging best. And do you know what, I think I deserve to.

I don't believe in fate, or karma, or luck. But I do believe that after 2010, 2011 deserved to be a good year for me and Shaun. And it's turning out just that way.

Of course, when we met my parents to celebrate within 2 minutes my Mum had fallen over and broken her ankle so we spent the afternoon in hospital sans celebration but you can't have it all. And as much as I feel sorry for her, it's not taken away any of my buzz.

I AM GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!

Good vs Evil

EVIL

It started with, well let's be honest no one is really sure whether the shooting of Mark Duggan was good or evil or one under the guise of the other. Who were the good guys and who were the bad is yet to be established. But what has come from it, what the country has become because of it, was definitely heading towards a big old bag of evil. Looting, arson, violence. Thoughtless, mindless thugs destroying entire communities and innocent peoples lives. And essentially a million miles from whatever lead to Mark's death. Kids, children, young people who should have been at home with their families were out committing an array of heinous crimes because they don't know how else to be heard. Committing EVIL because it's the only thing that made them feel part of something, made them feel like they belonged. Is that the fault of a bigger evil?

Poor parenting?

Poor education? 

Government cuts?

Unemployment?

Benefits?

The housing situation?

Ghettoisation?

But then came the

GOOD

Hundreds of people with brooms, cleaning up the streets, their streets. Communities coming together not to prove something, not to rise against anyone, just to sweep up the mess. Out in force they cleared away the broken glass, the litter, the rubble and, as best they could, made their local streets into what they had been before the evil had gotten there. These people don't know each other but they care for each other. They care for their community and are working together to make things better. To prove to that good can rise above evil and win. Like it always does.

Over the past few days I have experienced an array of emotions. The first and strongest was anger, and then depression, sadness, concern and sometimes downright misery at the state of the country and the attitude of these young people. But today it changed, today there is hope, today there is spirit and today I cried tears of happiness.  

Because you see for me it is all about William. I am no different from any parent out there (apart from maybe the ones that brought up these jokers)

and I want the best for my son. So a few months ago we bought a house, our first house purchase to mark our time as grown ups and somewhere to raise our children. Now, I have mentioned that we were already aware that Tottenham wasn't a 'nice' area but overnight on Saturday it turned into a war zone. Buildings were burned to the ground, shops were looted and the high street was destroyed. So my first thought was 'what have I done to my baby? Is this his future?'. I do not want him growing up alongside people that think that this is acceptable behaviour. I do not want his peers raised by parents that have NO control over their children's attitude or whereabouts. I don't want him raised amongst evil. I have let him down again, already.

But I no longer feel like that because, it turns out, the majority of people are not like that. The majority of people are like this

The majority of people want to help clean up the mess, want to donate what they can to help those in need and want to make the world a better place to be. As well as the people that cleaned up the streets with their brooms and the people that left these notes on a boarded up shop I have seen so many other positive role models for my son. The community of Tottenham has come together and shown strength, resilience and a sense of community that I am incredibly proud of. And these are people I am very happy to have my son brought up amongst.